When You're Ready Read online

  "Yeah, well everyone has a hobby. Some people cliff dive, others garden or practice meditation. I just happen to excel at going to bars, drinking and picking up women." I don't think he found me nearly as funny as I was trying to appear.

  The fact is I was tired.

  So fucking tired of everything, and...I just didn’t care anymore. When I left the hospital, I didn’t want to go home. I don’t know why I bought that house in the first place. It was so empty. I moved to Richmond to disappear. Colin thought it was to be closer to him, and yes, it was nice having him around. When I actually bothered seeing him. God, I was an ass. But at least he had Ella. He wasn’t a bachelor anymore, and as happy as I was for him, I was also envious. I hated that feeling. I hated most feelings these days. Going home to the big empty house left me wandering the halls with nothing to do but think. So instead, I went out to a bar or a club, trying to disappear in the crowds of people. Until I got recognized. Do people really not have a life? Since when did billionaires’ kids become so damn interesting? It did make finding a woman to go home with easier. No one said no to a night with Mitchell Matthew’s son. Too bad I didn’t actually stay until morning.

  “So, that's not really the reason I was calling," he said with a nervous twitch in his voice. Why was he nervous? In all the years I’d known him, Colin had never been nervous about anything. He always faced everything head on with balls of steel. I still remember the night he’d met his wife, back when I’d still be a decent guy to hang out with, before I’d turned into the bastard I was now. We were at a crowded bar around campus when he first spotted her, walking in with a date. He said he knew at first sight she was “the one” and had to talk to her before she disappeared into the crowd. Thinking he was crazy, I turned to tell him so, but he was already gone. A man on a mission. He dodged people left and right, even jumping over a table full of people to get to her. Finally reaching her table, he kneeled down in front of her, totally ignoring her date, and looked up at her with his trademark shit-eating grin and said, "You're going to be the mother of my children, and I've been sitting in this bar waiting my whole life for you. So why don't you say goodbye to this loser and go someplace with me?"

  The whole bar was silent by now, having witnessed the table jumping shenanigans and heard his declaration of love. She looked around, turning red from all the attention, when suddenly her horrified face transformed into a mischievous smile. Thinking he’d won her over, he smiled back, waiting for her to say yes and follow him into the sunset or whatever.

  Instead, she poured her entire margarita on his head.

  The whole bar erupted in laughter and applause. Rather than walk around in defeat, he stood and strode back over to our table, red slush sliding down his face, and sat back down looking like he just scored a winning touchdown.

  "Why the hell do you look so cocky? You just got turned down in front of the whole damn bar," I said, trying hard not to laugh, and not succeeding.

  "Just wait," he grinned.

  And so we did. We sat there and finished our drinks and ordered more. An hour or so went by, and when our third round came by, the waitress dropped Colin's drink in front of him, along with a napkin. He held it up triumphantly showing a phone number along with the name Ella. They've been driving each other crazy ever since. Unfortunately, my luck in that department had not been so good. But then, I’d been raised by a money-loving asshole, so what do I know about love?

  "Why do you sound so damn nervous all of a sudden?" I asked, running my hands through my messy dark brown hair. I didn't like nervous Colin.

  “Got a call from Gabe the other day. He called to tell me Melanie’s pregnant. He wanted to call and tell you himself, but he wasn't sure how you'd take it. You guys haven't exactly spoken since the divorce.” I was silent; I didn’t know what to say. Did he expect me to react?

  "Anyway, I thought you should know. It's fairly new. I think they're only a couple months along. Melanie is really excited. I know what the two of them did was shitty on an epic level, and I know they don't deserve our forgiveness, but at the end of the day, they're some of our oldest friends. And they're trying. I guess I'm trying, too. I think I still want to kick Gabe's ass again, that was fun.”

  “I know, Colin. I get it. Honestly, I'm happy for them. Especially Melanie. She's finally getting everything she ever wanted.” Everything I couldn't give her.

  “If you talk to Gabe, tell him I’m happy for them. I...I can’t do it yet. I can’t talk to them, not yet,” I said. Of course, it’s not for the reasons he thinks. I didn’t deserve to talk to either of them. I’d wronged them and they didn’t need me and my shit in their life anymore.

  "Okay man, no problem. We’re not talking on a regular basis, but I’ll pass it along if he calls again. Well, I should let you get back to doctoring or something. We need to get together soon and have some man time,” he said, letting out a long sigh.

  “This pregnancy stuff is getting to me. Ella made me read a book about breast feeding the other day. Have you seen what a breast pump looks like? It's frightening man, I need some dude time." He really did sound frightened.

  "Okay, I'll call you. Later." I said, knowing I probably wouldn’t, and continued to stare at my half eaten dinner. I don’t even know why he continued to call. If the roles were reversed, I would have given up by now. I’m not worth it.

  I looked around the cafeteria, which had long since emptied by now. A quiet hum came from the refrigerators, and I could hear the shuffling of people’s feet in the hallway. Life went on in the hospital as I thought about my ex-wife. Melanie finally got what she always wanted, a family. It just wasn't with me.

  Love me Logan, just love me.

  I thought I did. I tried. I gave her everything I had to give. But it wasn’t enough.

  Looking at my watch, I realized I was needed back in the ER. I gathered the remnants of my lack luster dinner and dumped my trash. As I walked out of the cafeteria, my mind focused back to work...at least I’m good at that.

  ~Clare~

  I sat near the end of the bed holding Maddie's hand. She’d thrown up a couple more times and the nurse had to come in to change her hospital gown. She seemed a bit calmer now but was still pale. I was amazed by how much liquid could come out of a human being. But, looking back to my college days, I seemed to remember saying something similar as I hugged the toilet and swore I’d never drink again. And wow, it smelled in here. I was really starting to question the sanity of those who worked in a hospital or the medical field in general. Willingly throwing yourself in the middle of sick people all the time? Yuck.

  A knock on the door marked the entrance of yet another person. As I turned my head, I found myself face to face with the real-life version of Dr. McSteamy entering the exam room. Is this our doctor?

  Holy hell, I think I just whimpered a little.

  Tall and built like a swimmer, he was sexiest thing I’d ever seen in a pair of scrubs. Like the sky right before a summer storm, his eyes bordered between gray and blue, and I couldn’t help but stare into their thunderous intensity. His hair was dark brown that edged near black and had that "just fucked" look to it. The kind of hair that made you want to run your hands through it. How did guys do that? Did they spend time creating that look in a mirror, or was it really a product of being fucked? I suddenly wanted to know. Oh shit, was I drooling? Did he say something?

  He was looking right at me, waiting.

  “Are you the mother?” he asked. His eyebrow arched in question. A really hot question.

  Seriously, Clare...get your mind out of the gutter.

  "Uh, yes. I'm Clare Murray. This is my daughter Madilyn, uh, Maddie," I said, trying to cover up the fact that I had probably been standing there for an ungodly amount of time, lamely staring at him and forming my own mini puddle of drool while he tried to get my attention back on my sick daughter.

  Yup, best mother ever.

  “Nice to meet you Ms. Murray, I’m Dr. Matthews.” Turning to Maddie, h
e said, “And this must be the princess.”

  Calling Maddie a princess earned him major brownie points and I think I even heard a faint giggle. She immediately looked up, her big brown eyes connecting with his as he began the examination.

  Dr. Matthews bent down, leaned over her tiny frame and ran his hand over Maddie’s head. I knew he was checking for any bumps or abnormalities, but his gesture seemed protective and my heart did a little flip flop seeing my daughter in the arms of another man.

  Done with his physical exam, he settled himself at the end of the hospital bed and motioned for me to take a seat in the chair positioned next to Maddie. It was a small room, making us all very cozy. I could feel the heat radiating off his body. His really, really hot body. His eyes lingered on mine briefly and I felt the blush start to creep up my cheeks. A quick smirk flashed across his face before he began speaking.

  "Well, your nurse already gave me some of the details on what led to Maddie’s injury this afternoon. Sounds like you had an eventful day,” he said, giving Maddie a gentle smile. She looked up at him like he was the king of the world, which surprised me. Maddie’s generally not a fan of men, having not been around many in her life.

  “But it looks like a classic concussion. Her skull feels normal, and I don’t see any signs of swelling or bleeding. I’m going to go ahead and order a CT just to rule out anything major and make sure we’ve covered all of our bases. But more than likely she’ll be back to her old self in a few days,” he said, offering reassurance.

  I nodded absently, those stark white walls started to tighten around me. It’s not the fact that he wanted a test that sent me into an instant panic attack. I understood the precaution. I was glad Dr. Matthews was taking the time to do so, and I appreciated his thoroughness. It was the way in which he said it. The exact phrasing. One sentence brought the memory back to haunt me, flooding my mind and taking over my senses.

  Ethan sat down next to me on the bed. He looked at me with those dark brown eyes and a concerned, loving look. He knew I always worried about everything.

  "Baby, I don't need any more tests. The doctor says they’re only migraines," he said. "The CT came back normal which rules out anything major. I don't want to fight with the insurance company to get an MRI. You know they aren't going to pay for it, so why bother?" He pulled me down onto our bed so that we were lying side by side.

  "It's going to be fine. So please, stop worrying," he pleaded, leaning in to kiss me slowly, desperately trying to change the subject. He pulled away, looking at me with a devious grin plastered on his face. "Besides, we have more important things to think about right now," he whispered, looking down my body slowly and appreciatively.

  "Oh, yeah? I can't think of anything," I said, faking a yawn and stretching my arms out wide. "I think I'm going to go to sleep. Night!"

  I tried to keep my face steady, but I couldn’t help the grin that escaped, and before I could cover my mouth to hide it, he attacked and I squealed with laughter. He straddled my body, pinning me to the bed with his knees and trapping my wrists above my head in his tight grasp.

  "Shhh! This is the first night in weeks the baby has been asleep for more than an hour, and you're going to ruin it with your squealing horse laugh!" He leaned down to kiss me, chuckling.

  "I do not laugh like a horse!" I pouted.

  The annoyance in my voice melted as his trailing kisses reached my neck and meandered down to my shoulder, taking the strap of my nightgown with him. He pulled my body firmly against his and slowly made his way back to my mouth, kissing me so fiercely that every other thought melted away. Tests and headaches were left in the past.

  If only I had been more persistent, more demanding...taken him to more specialists...

  "Are you sure the CT will be enough? Nothing will be overlooked? I asked, escaping from the memory that had held me captive. Fear was evident in my voice. I knew everything was fine, and what happened with Ethan had been rare, but the irrational panic was there nonetheless.

  Maddie is not Ethan. Maddie is not going to die. I silently chanted, feeling the calm beginning to return.

  I looked up at Dr. Matthews and he was watching me with concern and confusion painted all over his gorgeous face.

  Awesome. Good job, Clare. Now the hot doctor thinks you’re crazy.

  ~Logan~

  I didn’t know whether to comfort the woman in front of me or pivot and run. She seemed to be in her own world, full of pain and possibly regret, and I didn’t know who or what could bring her out of it.

  It’d had been a slower night in the ER, meaning we hadn’t had many emergencies. So far that night, I had mended two broken arms, stitched up a knife wound for a local chef who’d had a bad day at work, and pulled a Lego out of a little boy's nose. I was about to lose my mind from the boredom. I hated days like these. I’d come to Richmond from one of the top trauma centers in the country. I had worked brutal hours, running from one patient to the next, never taking breaks, living on bad coffee and taking power naps on any empty hospital bed I could find. It had also given me a reason to not go home, cowardly choosing to stay at work rather than face a wife I couldn't love.

  Moving here was a nice change of pace but on the slow nights it sometimes got to me. I don’t regret my decision, but sometimes I missed the rush. Luckily, not every day was like this. It was still an ER and I had my fair share of adrenaline-inducing cases, but nothing compared to the rush of what I had left behind. The larger hospital downtown took most of the serious trauma cases, but we still had enough to keep me busy. Besides, quiet is what I wanted, and what I’d asked for.

  So, when I walked into this exam room, I was expecting another mundane case, considering the evening I’d had thus far.

  The smell of vomit had been the first thing that hit me when I entered, and I instantly groaned. God, I hated vomit. Give me blood and guts any day. I would rather stitch up anything then walk into a room that smelled like this. I was focused on the file, trying to re-learn how to breathe through my mouth when I looked up and saw my new patient lying in a hospital bed. She looked like an angel with a head full of long strawberry blonde curls and round cherub cheeks. She looked over at me with big brown eyes, smiled faintly and I found myself having the sudden urge to bring her into my arms, assuring her everything would be just fine. Having no idea where that came from, I turned my head away from the little girl in search of her mother, and dear God, I found her. She was breathtaking. Loose, dark red curls trailed down her back showing off a slim body full of curves in all the right places. She was wearing...hmm, well I suddenly knew where the vomit smell was coming from. She must have run out of the house in a panic. My eyes traveled back up to her eyes, shit. I don't think I’d ever seen eyes so green in my life. A man could get lost in them, never able to find his way back.

  She’d been looking at me, staring actually, like she was waiting for me to say something.

  Oh right, I was the doctor.

  I had to tell myself to stop eye fucking her and be professional.

  And I had been. She introduced herself as Clare Murray. I knew that already, having read the child’s file, but it was nice to have an introduction. I’d checked out Maddie’s head, feeling...I don’t know what, when she curled into me as I examined her. I skipped over that quickly. I didn’t like to feel...anything.

  I helped Maddie lay back down, covered her with a blanket, and sat at the end of the bed focusing my attention back on the beautiful woman in front of me. She was looking over at her daughter, obvious worry in her eyes.

  Her worry went from slight to panicked when I mentioned the CT I’d planned for Maddie. I’d never seen someone panic so much over a simple test before. She asked if I was sure, and then it was like she was gone. Her eyes went blank and her gaze wandered down to her joined hands resting in her lap, and she just disappeared. I don’t know why, but I knew this had nothing to do with Maddie. It was too abrupt, too intense, and there was a sense of loss in her eyes. She was worried be
fore, but below the worry I could tell she knew Maddie would be fine. She knew just as I did that it was a simple concussion that would go away on its own. Everything else we were doing was just precautionary.

  I didn’t know what was going on in her head, but a few seconds passed and she looked up at me, a mixture of panic and embarrassment playing across her face.

  Before I knew what I was doing, I reached toward her, "Clare? Are you all right?” I asked, putting my hands on hers, trying to pull her back from the place she drifted to. Her eyes focused on where our hands had joined, and she spoke without glancing up.

  “You're sure she doesn't need any other tests? The CT scan will show you everything?” Her voice quivered slightly as she asked again.

  I could hear the pain in her words, see the fear in her eyes, and I wanted to erase it all. I don’t know what I was doing, why this woman’s pain was calling to me so loudly. It wasn’t my problem to fix. I seriously needed to get the hell out of this room before I did something stupid.

  I jerked my hand back, clearing my throat awkwardly. "Yes, she’ll be fine, Ms. Murray. We will make 100% sure she’s well enough to discharge when you leave. I'll look over the CT personally after the radiologist is done, just to be sure," I said in my most professional doctor-type voice, trying to convince myself that this was just another patient, and Clare was just another mother. Noticing the abrupt change in my tone, her head bobbed in agreement, and she returned her attention to Maddie, clearly hurt.

  I took a step toward the door and silently cursed under my breath.

  Instead of turning the knob and walking out the door, I rotated around, walked the three steps to the chair Clare was in, and took a knee in front of her.

  Her emerald green eyes shifted from Maddie to me in surprise, widening at my abrupt change of pace.

  Yeah, I know. It’s new for me too.

  "It will be okay," I assured her, looking over at Maddie, and then finding my way back to Clare.

  "I promise.”

  I quickly stood, and exited the exam room.