Within These Walls Read online

  Eager to return to Lailah’s bedside, we rose from the table and threw our shitty coffee into the trash before heading for the elevator. As the doors slid closed and we made our way skyward, I felt Lailah’s presence growing as the gap between us lessened.

  “You never answered my question,” Marcus said, cutting the silence like a knife.

  “What question?”

  “What are you going to do for Lailah?”

  The elevator dinged, and the door opened. Both of us stepped off onto the worn laminate floor, and I gazed down the hall toward my sleeping angel.

  “Everything. I’ll give her everything.”

  SHAPES SLOWLY TOOK form as my eyelids hesitantly lifted for what felt like the first time in centuries. I moved to rub the sleep from my eyes, but my hand was restrained, encased in a warm tenderness I instantly recognized. I turned my head and found Jude’s soft green eyes staring back at me.

  “Morning,” he whispered, bringing my hand he was holding up to his lips.

  The touch instantly sent shivers running up my spine, and it had nothing to do with my fever or sickness.

  “Morning? What time is it? How long have I been asleep?” I asked, my voice still groggy and tired.

  I moved around and noticed the absence of the aches and nausea I’d had previously. I actually felt a great deal better. I wasn’t at one hundred percent, but I definitely felt an improvement.

  “Just over two days. Marcus purposely kept you asleep the first day, hoping you’d fight off the illness quicker that way. It seemed to help because your fever finally broke, so he was able to pull back on the meds. You’ve been asleep ever since.”

  I’ve been asleep for two days?

  Looking up at him, I noticed the deep dark circles under his eyes and the redness that rimmed his pupils. His shoulders sagged under the weight of his exhaustion, and his clothes were rumpled and worn.

  “And you? How long have you been without sleep, Jude?” I asked.

  He ran a tired hand through his messy hair. “I’m okay,” he replied.

  When I gave him a pointed look, he amended, “I’ve had a few hours of sleep here and there. I didn’t want to leave. I couldn’t leave you, Lailah.”

  I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell him that he was being ridiculous. He needed to always take care of himself first. But as I watched him, tired and exhausted while speaking with such conviction at my bedside, I thought of everything he’d gone through in his past, and I knew that I couldn’t.

  He was scared of losing someone else.

  What sick, twisted sort of fate did I pull him into?

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I tried to assure him, knowing I had no grounds to make such promises.

  Like second nature, my fingers met the unshaven rough skin of his cheek, and he immediately leaned into my touch.

  “I know,” he answered.

  The elephant had officially landed in the room.

  There were no more candid talks of dying and no more what-if conversations. The stakes had been raised. We’d gone from casual friends to so much more, more than I even had words to describe, and death had no place with the type of feelings we now shared.

  How could we grow something from ashes? How could we expect a rose to blossom in the shadows?

  Whatever this was, whatever I was feeling for Jude, I wanted it to grow. I wanted to see where it would take us, and neither of us could allow that with death looming over us.

  That little bastard I liked to call hope came wiggling back into my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder if Jude was my sign that everything would work itself out.

  Why else would I have been given a chance at love so late in the game if I weren’t going to be saved in the end?

  “What are you thinking about?” He leaned forward to rest his elbows on the edge of the bed.

  It brought his head inches from mine, and I could smell the lingering scent of his shampoo in his hair.

  “How do you know I was thinking at all?”

  He lifted his hand and brushed his fingers over my forehead. “You get these cute little lines and creases up here when you’re deep in thought.”

  “I do not!”

  “Do so. I’m a master in all things, Lailah. You can’t argue with the master.”

  “You couldn’t possibly be a master yet. I’m not that easy to crack,” I debated.

  “No, you’re not, but I’ve been paying attention. It’s been hard not to,” he said.

  His eyes darkened slightly, which caused my cheeks to flare up.

  “Okay, grand master, if you know me so well, why don’t you educate me?”

  He grinned, rising from his chair. I felt the bed dip an instant before his body brushed up against mine as he positioned himself on his side, facing me. I turned slightly under the covers, so I could face him and admire the view.

  I never thought I could enjoy a hospital bed, but Jude just made living here much more bearable. Then, the thought of my mom or Dr. Marcus walking in while Jude was in bed with me made me incredibly nervous. Apparently, adult Lailah had taken a hike while I was passed out.

  As if reading my thoughts, Jude said, “It’s Dr. Marcus’s day off, and your mom is teaching right now. Besides, I haven’t left this room in two days. I think it’s safe to say our little secret is out.”

  There were so many things to process in that statement.

  “How is my mom handling it? How did you manage not to leave when you had to work? Oh my God, you didn’t lose your job because of me?”

  “First, you babble when you’re nervous, like right now,” he said with a warm smile. “Your mom isn’t a giant fan of mine, but we’re making it work. No, I did not get fired. I managed to stay in here because I’d refused to wear a mask, so I was not allowed to work until I demonstrated that I was symptom-free. So, when I can prove I still have no symptoms tomorrow, they’ll allow me to clock back in.”

  “But, Jude, all those lost hours…” I said, feeling so guilty.

  “I wouldn’t have been anywhere else, Lailah.”

  His hand reached up to my waist, and I could feel the heat of his hand searing through the fabric of the blanket. My eyes wandered down his body, admiring the way his gray T-shirt clung to his expansive chest. His dark jeans were worn and faded but hung off his hipbones at just the right spot.

  “Second, you blush when you’re embarrassed or turned-on. So, which one is it right now?”

  My brain went back on, and my eyes flew to his. “What?”

  “You’re blushing. Are you embarrassed or turned-on?”

  “You’re crazy!” I answered, deflecting.

  His grin widened into something mischievous, and his little dimple became even more evident. He leaned his head forward, nuzzling it into the curve of my neck where he slowly began scattering a trail of hot kisses up to my earlobe.

  “I think it’s the latter,” he breathed into my ear.

  Our lips met in a fevered kiss as we chose physical touch over words.

  I could have lost you, his body said through his desperate touch.

  But you didn’t, my kiss answered back.

  I sank further into the warmth of his chest, so he could feel me alive and whole before him.

  Our movements slowed, tenderness replacing fiery passion, before he finally pulled back.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” he said, leaning his forehead against mine.

  “Why?”

  “You’ve been asleep for two days. You’ve been through hell, and I’m mauling you in your bed. You’re still recovering. I should wait until…”

  Until I’m not sick?

  That might never happen.

  His eyes met mine, and we both let the statement hang in the air, unfinished, until it eventually blew away.

  The big, giant elephant was firmly back in place, and neither of us chose to address it.

  “On today’s menu, we have a lovely selection of rice, saltine crackers, chicken broth, and�
�wait for it—apple sauce. Mmm…” Jude announced, uncovering my lunch that had been delivered moments earlier.

  “Wow, that sounds…”

  “Horrible?” he finished, placing the plastic tray on the large wooden tray table.

  “I was going to say a weird combination, but yeah, horrible is a good descriptor as well. Although, the rice doesn’t sound too bad.”

  “Well, good. Eat the rice then—slowly though. You haven’t had solid food for a few days.”

  He took a seat in the chair that he’d used as a bed for the last several nights. I took the small cup of rice in my hands. It was lightly buttered, but otherwise, it was tasteless. I took a hesitant bite and nearly moaned. It could have tasted like cardboard, and I would have still loved it. Lack of food had greatly reduced my pickiness over hospital food in that moment. Three bites in, I realized the room was dead quiet. I glanced up to find Jude watching me with hooded, intense eyes.

  “Do you always make those noises when you eat? I don’t recall that from our lunch date. I think I’d remember a moan like that escaping your lips.”

  “Um…” was all I managed as a comeback.

  His mouth turned into a wolfish grin, and he chuckled. “You’re blushing again.”

  “Well, how can I not when you say things like that?” I said, finally finding the ability to speak.

  I picked up a packet of crackers and chucked it at his head. He laughed hard and caught them in midair. He then proceeded to tear open the clear plastic package, and he stuffed an entire saltine into his mouth, giving me a goofy grin as he did it.

  “So, give me a few more from the Someday list.” He crammed the last cracker into his mouth.

  It made me wonder how long it had been since he had a decent meal. I made a mental note to ask Grace to pull a few strings and get him some food. For now, I had to make do with what I had. I handed over the applesauce I had no intention of eating, and he gave me a wary look. When I pushed it further into his hand and raised my eyebrows, he relented and closed his fingers around the plastic cup. I tossed him a spoon and then reached over to the drawer next to me to grab the worn notebook I kept in there.

  “What number is it going to be today?” I cracked the spine to once more find the handwritten list I’d meticulously created over the years.

  He studied me as his gaze narrowed. My attention drifted to the page in front of me, and my heart fluttered at seeing the first thing I’d written on the list so long ago.

  “Twenty-five.”

  I breathed out a sigh of relief, but I felt myself turn instantly pink at the mere mention of that particular number. It wasn’t number one, but it was an important one, and I’d drawn a dark red line through it just days earlier.

  “It’s been crossed out,” I said, unable to look up at him. God, will I ever grow up?

  “What was it?” he asked, his voice low and husky.

  “Be kissed until I’m breathless.”

  I met his gaze, and the corners of his mouth turned upward into a cocky grin, revealing just the slightest hint of that single dimple on his cheek.

  “Fifty-one.”

  I couldn’t help the small smile that formed on my lips as I found that particular one. “Have an entire conversation in only text messages.”

  “So, you want to be a teenage girl for a day?” he joked.

  “Come on, Jude!” I whined, tossing my napkin at him.

  He ducked, and I heard a soft chuckle escape his beautiful lips.

  “Sorry, I just don’t get it. Being able to hold a conversation with you without your nose buried in a phone is one of the most appealing things about you.”

  My eyebrow arched in amusement.

  Do I have horns I’m unaware of?

  Not having a cell phone is my most appealing feature?

  “Okay, not one of the most. There are several—no, hundreds of other things I find much more appealing, sexy even. Shit, I’m digging myself into a hole here. Just put me out of my misery and take over?”

  I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to stifle the laughter bubbling up. “It’s just one of those things that normal people do. They have conversations over emails and text messages. They share secrets and inside jokes that no one else knows about because nothing was uttered outside of cyberspace. I think people feel bolder with their words when they are hiding behind a keyboard. I guess I just wonder what it would be like.”

  “To be bolder with your words?” he asked softly. “What would you say?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never even had a cell phone. I probably wouldn’t be able to type more than three words without messing something up.”

  I tried to dismiss the topic with a wave of my hand.

  But he persisted as he asked, “If you could ask me anything in a text message without fear of those cheeks blushing or my reaction, what would you ask?”

  I knew what I wanted to ask him, but fear took over, and it was suddenly guiding my every move.

  Would he be angry that I knew? Would it hurt him to talk about it?

  Do I really want to know?

  I looked into those beautiful jade eyes, and I knew I couldn’t ask about his fiancée. I wasn’t ready to know. I wasn’t jealous or angry that he hadn’t shared that part of his life with me. It was the fear that once he did, I’d be faced with something I already knew deep down. I should let him go. He deserved better than a second chance that had very little hope. The elephant in the room might have been firmly planted in the corner by this time, and we’d managed to dodge and weave around him well, pretending the possibility of my death didn’t exist, but it didn’t make it any less true.

  I was selfishly allowing all this to happen, knowing he’d already lost someone before and knowing it could happen again.

  “Why me?” I asked.

  “Why not you, Lailah?” he argued, leaning forward to take my hand. “Why would you ask that?”

  “You could have anyone. Why would you—”

  “I don’t want anyone else,” he answered, halting my words. He reached out to graze the tender skin of my cheek with his thumb. “I want you.”

  I had no words as I watched him push away my lunch tray before crawling into bed with me. I was speechless as I felt his solid arms wrap around me and pull me close. I should let him go, but I wouldn’t. I needed him—his touch, his tender and healing words, and the way being around him made me feel. I felt restored and renewed in his presence, and that was better than any drug or treatment a doctor could prescribe.

  “Tell me one more, and then you’re going to get some rest,” he instructed as he rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes.

  My notebook was still open in my lap, and he’d made no attempts to peek at the pages currently on display.

  “Are you going to pick the number, or shall I?”

  “You pick it this time,” he answered.

  I scanned the page with my index finger, trying to find one that was both interesting and not too embarrassing.

  “Visit a foreign country.”

  His eyes peeked open, and he smirked. “Any foreign country? Or do you have a preference?”

  I thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know. I guess I just never thought it would come true, so I never took the time to pick a specific place.”

  He traced his fingers down my arm, a trail of gooseflesh rising as he went, until he finally intertwined them with my own and squeezed.

  “Pick one now, anywhere in the world. Where would you go?”

  There were so many places in the world. How could I pick just one?

  My mind sought a single destination, remembering history class with my mother and movies I’d seen, and one place stuck out in my mind above all others. “Ireland,” I answered.

  “A beautiful country for a beautiful woman,” he replied. “Let’s go.”

  I laughed, loving the sweet timbre of his voice. “What? Now?”

  “Yep, close your eyes.”

  “You’re
insane.”

  “Probably. Close your eyes, Lailah,” he commanded.

  I gave a halfhearted huff and did as I had been told. I closed my eyes and settled further into the pillow.

  “Okay, imagine us in one of those European cars. They’re compact and boring-looking. Everything is on the wrong side. We’re driving down a small road near the picturesque Ireland countryside.”

  “Wait—we’re already there?” I asked, cracking my eyelids open just slightly.

  “What do you mean, we’re already there?”

  “I mean, how did we get there? Did we fly?”

  “Of course we flew.”

  “You’re a terrible storyteller.”

  He huffed, which made me laugh. “Okay, fine. It was a very normal, boring flight. You slept most of the way. After renting our awesome, tiny car, we checked into a quaint little bed-and-breakfast, and we had a quickie to get over our jet lag. Now, we are touring the countryside.”

  “Why just a quickie?” I asked with a snicker.

  “How about this? I took you seven different ways, starting with up against the door of our room because I couldn’t wait a single second longer after our long-ass flight. Better? Or would you like more detail?”

  My eyes flew open to find his blazing green irises staring back at me.

  “Um…nope. I think I’ve got it.” I gulped. “So, we are driving down the Irish countryside?”

  His wolfish grin was the last thing I saw as my head fell back against the pillow.

  “I’d take you for a long drive around the Ring of Kerry. We’d stop along the way to take pictures and hike off the beaten trail. The sky would be gray with small dots of blue where the clouds thinned and broke. The air would taste salty from the ocean. The grass would be so green that it would almost look unreal as if a painter had swirled it directly from a brush. Can you see it?”

  With every word that sprang free from his lips, a picture began to form in my head. Clouds formed, and grass grew. I could taste the ocean air against my tongue, and I could hear birds flying above us.

  “Small farms with ancient stone fences dot the landscape for miles with crystal-blue water in the distance. If you look out far enough, you can see a set of islands. Maybe we’ll take a boat later in the day and climb the ancient stone steps up to the top?”